We are around three years into our relationship and through its entirety, Elis has felt endlessly supported by Khali. In May 2021, Khali listened patiently and compassionately as Elis came out as non-binary. In that moment, Elis noticed how eager Khali was to learn more about them and how to support them on their trans joy journey. Since then, we’ve learned that Elis thrives dancing under the trans umbrella and Khali loves to see it. We’re here to provoke thoughtfulness and it’s okay if supporting your partner’s trans joy looks different. Everyone’s journey is unique to them! Here are some meaningful ways you, too, can support your partner’s trans joy.
Empower their self expression
Coming out as trans and exploring different parts of transitioning is beautiful. Your partner may want to change up their style to better express how they feel on the inside. They may re-introduce themself to you with the name that joyfully represents who they are. Regardless of what may or may not change for your partner, whether it’s a new hairstyle or HRT (hormone replacement therapy), have you thought about how you want to show up for them?
If you know your partner is interested in a haircut, do some research online to find salons/barbershops that they would feel empowered and safe walking into. If they’re wanting longer hair, look at wigs or extensions. Grab a snack and scroll on Pinterest together to find gender-affirming hairstyle inspiration. Get creative! This is not “just a haircut,” this is a powerful act of self love and self expression. They deserve a loving environment to hype them up! You can find an ‘LGBTQ+ friendly’ label on Google Maps for businesses that claim it, or you can explore sites like Strands for Trans and Everywhere is Queer.
Has your partner expressed any interest in HRT? You can support them by being aware of what kind of care they may need. This may look like regularly scheduled appointments for blood draws and/or hormone injections, figuring out what pharmacy to use for their HRT, and what method they’d like to receive their hormones. Some of the more common methods include injections (intramuscular or subcutaneous), topical treatments (gel or patches), or oral dosages (pills). Your partner may also want to talk about other gender-affirming care like top surgery, genital reconstruction services (bottom surgery), or facial procedures (typically masculinization or feminization).
Cherish your partner’s trans joy
Support and affirm your partner by taking pictures of them (with consent of course!). It is so important to capture and support your partner’s trans joy. Some days are better/worse than others. Their journey will not be stagnant. On the hard days where dysphoria is hitting harder, you can both look at affirming moments that were captured and discuss what you can do in this moment to help them feel more confident.
Before Elis started testosterone, they enjoyed enhancing their natural upper lip peach fuzz with mascara. One day, Elis was rocking a mustache and Khali could FEEL their joy. She helped Elis capture their moment and they both look back on these pictures with so much love.
Safer sex and intimacy talks
Do you consider what you say out loud to your partner before you have sex? Of course you do! You always listen for your partner’s enthusiastic “yes” to sex, because safer sex is all about consent. Speaking of language, throughout your partner’s trans joy journey, be considerate about the language you use when referring to them and their body.
The weeks and months after Elis had top surgery, we talked more about intimacy and how Elis was feeling post-op. Khali respected the fact that Elis’s chest was often uncomfortable from scar tissue, different nerve sensations, and healing scars. After a year of healing, Elis feels much more comfortable with exploring touch. We encourage regular intimacy/sex check-ins as our bodies are constantly changing.
Whether you and your partner have been together for 5 days or 5 years, continue to explore what language feels affirming. Let them know that you are open to listening to what words, terms, phrases, and exclamations they feel most comfortable with. For more quick info about intimacy and sex, you can check out @queersextherapy and/or @theexpansivegroup on Instagram. Additionally, you can learn more through resources such as Planned Parenthood or Folx Health about having safer sex.
Please note that not all trans/queer folks have interest or access to HRT, top surgery, or other gender-affirming care options.
Make/give a gift
Gifts can be so many different things! They can be fun, functional, a thoughtful necessity, food, candles/incense, letters, etc. Everyone likes to feel thought of, so listen to your partner and surprise them with something they have been asking for or something that made you think of them.
Toss away the narrative that a gift has to be a huge extravagant display of love. If money is tight right now, write a cute letter to your partner for them to see when they get home, paint/draw something for them, or create a digital photo collage to send to them!
Another thing to keep in mind is that this is an opportunity to support your partner’s trans joy by providing affirming gifts. This can look like prosthetics, STP (stand-to-pee) devices, packers, and/or binders for transmasc, FTM (female to male), or masculine presenting partners. More femme presenting individuals, MTF (male to female), femboys, or other identities may enjoy affirming gifts such as make-up, bras, jewelry, or lingerie.
There’s also the gift of experiences like getting dressed up to have a hot makeout sesh, giving them a manicure/pedicure, taking them clothes shopping, or a date night in the car eating dinner. Ultimately, you know your partner better than we do… of course! This is by no means an exhaustive list of what you can do for your significant other. These are just a few ideas to help spark some inspiration for your gift giving.
Connect with the LGBTQ+ community
Believe it or not, queer and trans people are everywhere. Trans people have always existed. Queer people have always existed. Non-binary people have always existed. And yes, that includes folks in small towns, cities in red states, and all around the world.
If you want to support your partner’s trans joy in the community, discuss what they’re comfortable with first. If they haven’t explored being out and proud in the queer community before, a great place to start is a local Pride festival or parade. You will be surrounded by other people in the community – some who have been out for 40+ years and some who came out the night before. Pride is a beautiful way to bring together a community of people who deserve love, rights, and long happy lives. It’s also a time to learn about LGBTQ+ history and how we must continue to advocate for the people in this community.
Typically Pride events have vendors who have information and resources for local LGBTQ+ organizations, queer-owned businesses, and events. In honor of our queer history, we incorporate supporting local, LGBTQ+, and BIPOC-owned businesses into our lives.
Another great way to get involved with LGBTQ+ culture is to attend a drag or burlesque show. Not only are these shows entertaining, they’re also fun spaces to be yourself and be surrounded by others who are also expressing themselves. Representation matters!
Ask them!
Communication is an important part of supporting any relationship. Ask them how you can best support them during their journey. Maybe they have their own ideas of what will make them feel seen, heard, cherished, and supported. Oh, and don’t forget to communicate how they can also support you through their journey as well! This is a team effort and you deserve support as you navigate life together.
